You haven’t failed at parenthood!!! II

“And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up.” – Deuteronomy 6:6-7

My wife and I pay our 18 year old’s phone bill.

Now before you go judging us, you should also know that she pays her own car payment and car insurance. As a young adult with a fairly recent full time job, we are letting her find her financial footing gradually. She just took over her car insurance a month or two ago, and her phone bill will probably be forthcoming.

But not yet.

We certainly want her to learn responsibility and good stewardship, but we also don’t subscribe to the “kick the bird out of the nest and it will learn to fly as it’s plummeting to its death” model. There is a line to walk when it comes to teaching independence. Everyone parents different obviously, but we are doing what we feel is right in regard to balancing fiscal responsibility and being a young adult with friends and a social life. I think we all know people who have been completely unbalanced on either side of that road.

This coming of age process is symbolic of what happens to each of us spiritually as well. As we mature, we cannot hang on to our parents’ faith forever. Eventually we have to establish our own relationship with God.  I heard a sermon preached once that contained the phrase “God doesn’t have grandchildren.” I thought this was pretty profound. God desires to know us personally. He can’t have a relationship with us vicariously through our parents. At a certain point we’re either a child of God, or we don’t really know him.

Not only is this a tough lesson to live through as a child, but it is an excruciating process for parents as well. As believers we all want our kids to have a relationship with God and know Him for themselves. However, though we can heavily influence them in their formative years, we cannot make this decision for them. It can be agonizing to watch our children live lives that seemingly have no place for God or church. It can make us feel like failures.

In part one of this article that was posted over a year and a half ago, I addressed much of what I’m discussing in this part also. There is a lot that has happened in the last year and a half. As I re-read the article from eighteen months ago, I even sensed a certain smugness in it that has now been turned into humility as I am dealing with these things on a much more personal level. It really cannot be stressed enough: You aren’t a failure because your kids aren’t perfect!

I certainly feel my share of this discouragement at times, but I am able to draw solace in this: my own adolescence was not pretty. I have a prayer warrior mother that raised my sister and me in church and with respect for God and God’s things. However, like many young people, I wanted to “experience life.” I left the church for the better part of 16 years and did my own thing. I am quite certain that my mother felt her share of disappointment at my life choices during this time, but she never quit praying or declaring scripture over me. We’re all familiar with the scripture in Proverbs 22:6 which reads, “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” I didn’t hear most of these prayers, but I experienced the effects of them! The divine protection on my life during those years is mind boggling.

The hardest part of believing and trusting in that scripture from Proverbs is what the verse DOESN’T say. It doesn’t say that your children won’t wander for a bit. It doesn’t say that they will make great choices in life. It doesn’t promise us that our kids won’t break our hearts sometimes. However, it does say that when they are old they will cling to the training they received when they were young. Sometimes, that distance between now and then can seem incredibly vast. But like all scripture, if trusted and declared in faith, it will come to pass. God is faithful as long as we will use our faith and live our lives expectant!

I now look at my mother in a whole new light and sometimes I even envy her a bit. She can honestly declare III John  6 which says, “I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth.” It was a long road for her to be able to see the manifestation of this scripture, but that will be a jewel in her crown in heaven. I know how far I strayed, but I always felt that hook in my mind that would not let me get away from God’s calling.

As I said earlier, I feel my share of discouragement when I see some of the decisions my children are making in life and the direction their life seems to be heading. However, I can boldly declare the Word of God over my kids and trust in faith that the calling that God has upon their life will become reality.

You aren’t a failure.

You aren’t a bad parent.

God doesn’t ask for perfection, only faith and trust.

Your children are coming home. We can’t control our children’s poor choices or dictate their direction, but we can do our best to set them up for success by living our faith out loud.

And maybe paying their phone bill.