Matthew 7:3-5
And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye’; and look, a plank is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.
I once heard a pastor say “It is none of your business how your spouse treats you.” The statement has stuck with me ever since. That sentiment is a rather hard pill to swallow. Notice, he didn’t phrase it “how your wife treats you” or “how your husband treats you” but “how your spouse treats you”. He was very intentional about this wording as this goes for both the husband and the wife. Both husband and wife are equal opportunity recipients of this admonition. What makes it so difficult to think this way?
The number one answer to this question is of course, pride. This display is normally rooted in selfishness, but it certainly manifests itself as plain old pride. Most of us have heard the scripture dealing with pride. Proverbs 16:18 reads, “Pride goes before destruction, And a haughty spirit before a fall.” The divorce rate in this country and worldwide is almost at a staggering 50%. It has declined in recent years, but the number of people deciding to marry has also declined drastically. That sounds like destruction to me; destruction of the family and the marriage institution as a whole. Pride and selfishness stand in opposition to the covenant relationship of marriage that God instituted in the beginning. Pride says “I will not give in. I am right. It has to be my way.”
The pastor of my church calls this attitude the “shovel ministry”. Any correction or change always needs to be done by someone other than you. We have all participated in the shovel ministry from time to time. Have you ever heard a sermon, a teaching, or even a song and thought “I know someone who really needs to hear THIS!”? It is very easy to spot the shortcomings in other’s lives and fail to ever apply what we’ve heard to our own. There are many times that my wife and I have been sitting in church and have heard the pastor say something poignant and we look at each other and say “put away the shovel dear.” We may have been thinking of the same person, or (heaven forbid) each other, but we both recognize that we need to try to apply it to ourselves. Whenever I find myself thinking that someone in my life needs the correction that I am hearing, I make myself look for ways to use that information or discipline for my own life.
My job isn’t to police anyone else, but to seek out the things I need to change. This is never easy, especially when dealing with my spouse! When we are at odds with each other, my pride is ready to dig in its heels and make her apologize to me. Naturally, her pride is doing the same thing. It can create a rather frosty atmosphere that really isn’t pleasant for anyone in the home. Fortunately, as stubborn as we both are, we never let the cold war go on for very long. Normally, one of us will humble ourselves (that is not the same thing as caving-in, by the way) and apologize and seek some common ground. I always find it amazing that if I apologize, even if I don’t clearly see that I was wrong, God will show me ways that I was indeed wrong; if not wrong about the scenario in question, then wrong about the way I handled it. I have never seen a situation that was 100% one person’s fault and as discussion about the situation ensues, there is always some blame to spread around to both of us.
It isn’t about giving in. It isn’t about “if momma ain’t happy, nobody’s happy”. It’s about our pride giving the enemy of our souls an opportunity to separate us. United we are much stronger than we are divided. The book of Deuteronomy says that one can put a thousand to flight and two can put ten thousand to flight. That is the power of unity. Not only that, but in I Peter 3:7 Peter writes, “ Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.” The last thing we want as a couple is for our prayers to be ineffective! We are standing in faith and believing for too many things in our lives and ministries to allow an argument to hinder our prayers. Humility isn’t a dirty word, but rather a powerful way to receive more grace according to the book of James. The proud get resisted, but the humble receive more grace. In our culture and time, we need all of the grace we can get! Put away the shovel and let’s take a long hard look at us. “It’s none of your business how your spouse treats you.”